The Yo Yo Weight that is me

Ever since I was like 8 or 9 I had problems with my weight. In high school It was sort of plataeued because of sports, so I was thick but healthy. I had muscles but a curvy body. I loved my legs. I was fine with the way I looked even though I was still over weight. But ever since I left high school I've been so upset and depressed with the way I looked.

I've been on so many diets its just funny. I've been on the grapefruit diet, the slim fast, the trim spa, the green tea, the vinegar diet, the no carbs, the diabetic diet, atkins, all green diet, salad diet, fish diet, fruit diet…blah blah blah. And I have lost weight. but I have gained it all back and then some. It was never healthy. I remember starving myself. Feeling jittery. Sweaty, nervous, even tried throwing up the food I just ate. But that never lasted too long because I hate the feeling of throwing up. I could never be a bulimic…I always cry after I throw up so it would be a dead give away for my parents.

Right now I'm thinking about….no, I am going on a diet. For some reason I keep having a fear that I will have a heart attack while I am asleep. Earlier this year, on my mom's birthday, a dear friend of ours passed away. He was someone we knew for about 15 years. I really got to know him about 5 years ago when I joined the bowling league my dad was in. I was bowling in my mom's place because she developed arthritis in her knees. So we all became close like family. He was my Unk (Uncle). My dad's black brother. He was always the healthy one of the original Fair Lanes Crew (old bowling alley where everyone hung out). He even retired in 2005. He spent his days going to the gym, eating right…most of hte time, going to church, and just enjoying life (especially at the bowling alley). 

Well, on my mom's birthday I went to work. She called me up and let me know that she just got a phone call from our league president that George passed away.  I was shocked. I started crying at work in front of everyone. I completely fell apart. We found out that he had a heart attack. And we were just all in shock on how this was even possible when he was the one that took care of himself.

This is why I have a fear of getting one. I am considered I guess morbidly obese. I hate that term. But It's what I am. I need to do something if not just for this reason alone. But this isn't the only reason why I want to lose weight. My brother and mom , and my own personal vanity are reasons.

Like I said, my mom has arthritis in her knees and her being overweight isnt helping the matter. I don't want to feel the pain and be like my mom. So I want to lose the weight and make sure I have give my joints as little pressure as possible.

My brother has a kidney disease and my dad and mom are diabetic . Mom became one because of the weight. Dad became one early in his youth, diring his last few years in the Navy. It wasn't a weight issu, he ran 5 miles a day everyday when he was younger. My brother has a kidney disease that is very rare in people of his age. Last year his Kidneys have completely stopped working. Well not completely, they are both at about 10% working each. Your body can survive on 1 kidney at 20%, but not at 10%. So he has been on dialysis for about 1 year. He is waiting for a kidney.

The doctor said that he can't take my kidney because of the diabetic history of our family. BUT, if my brother needs my kidney and he is on his deathbed (I don't want to think about it) I NEED to give him one of mine. But the doctor said he doesn't like to operate on a person over a certain weight for fear of the stress the weight could put on the body. SO having one kidney would not be good.  So this is my other main reason why I want to lose weight. For my brother's life and for mine.

YEs, my vanity plays a role. Whomever says they don't care about what they look like they are lying. It's probably some skinny bitch saying that stupid comment as she is stuffing a pizza down her throat and will be throwing it up in 2 minutes.

I want to look good. I'm not saying I want the body of Jennifer Lopez, although that would be a dream come true, I want a healthy, tone, athletic body. I wouldn't even mid having Oprah Winfrey's figure. She is still womanly, but not too thin and not fat. she is normal.

But I guess my all time dream body would be that of Monica Belluci. An Italian Siren. Gorgeous, sexy, sensual, healthy. I just want to be happy. I want to be able to wear certain outfits. I want to walk without having my thighs rub together. I want the BACK FAT GONE!

So tomorrow, I will be walking. Walking for 30-40 minutes a day and eating healthier and smaller portions.  I will lose it slow. I don't want to starve. I will see a gradual change so my body can get use to change in lifestyle. I will dance in my room so I can get the cardio going. I wil just feel better about myself, and help make my life healthier and longer. 

For anyone that wants a some help I will be posting my daily/weekly (depending how often I update. I will try to begood and do it daily) Food in take and my exercise regime so you can see what I'm doing. Just check the page called "My Health Report Card". I would appreciate any feedback on what you are doing or something I can try.

Day one begins Tomorrow. God Help me. 

TAGS: Health ; Body ; Diets

Growing up is so overrated…. Part 1

I graduated Rowan University in May 2005 with a BA in Advertising. My sights were on becoming a copywriter. I was going to work for a big name agency and become famous with my quips and witty snarky tag lines. I was going to win a Cleo. I was going to make Oodles of mula and bathe in diamonds and pearls while half naked men fan me with tropical leaves.
This was my hope for my future. Granted I would be a late bloomer in growing up and making a life for myself at the age of 27, but hey I did myself. I paid my way through school. I paid my dues working at jobs that were meant for early 20 somethings just trying to earn money to party and drink while mom and dad still paid their bills.

What made me bloom so late? Well, lets see. I graduated high school in 1996. I was going to take a year off and travel the world. I have an aunt in Italy and she told me I could visit her anytime and she would fund my back packing expeditions through Europe. I was so stoked at this opportunity. How many people get the chance to do this? Not a lot, and especially not someone like me who comes from a blue collared family. Only rich, spoiled brats get to have an experience like this. But, I was going to be a rich spoiled kid for a whole year. I didn't bother applying to any of the colleges. I've taken the SATs for no reason. I wasn't going to bore myself with boring college essays or meeting with college recruiters. I was going to EUROPE! I was going to have cheese and wine on the grassy lawn of Paris. I was going to eat my spaghetti in a real Italian bistro. I was going to go to Oktoberfest and get drunk with the rest of the Germans. Yes and neener neener neener to all those rich bastards!

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My dad lost his job due to the enormous military base closing our horny, dumb-ass, redneck ex-president Clinton was doing. So, no income for the family, meant bills were going to pile up. Here is the Equation:

-$70,000/year + $1,000 house mortgage + Utilities + Car Payments + Insurance + Daily expenses + whatever else = DEIRDRE NOT GOING TO EUROPE

I was bummed. I wanted to go. I wanted to become cultured, but I had to settle for the culture of New Jersey. Yip-pie Freaking Doo! I knew what had to happen. I was bummed but I understood. My family needed me and my family is important, even if they drive me crazy 24/7.

So I got a job to support myself. It wasn't much but I paid my bills. I put Europe on the back burner for now to focus on family business. I was becoming a grown up. YAY for maturity. Yay for responsibility….NOT!!! It sucks. All my friends are in college because they applied. They did the essays and the recruiter meetings. They got scholarships and endless parties. I got a real life Clerks the movie. I was the video store gal. I think that is my official nickname. If I become a criminal that will be my alias. I'll be chased down by the Cops TV show and I'll be drunk and spewing nonsense from my mouth as I hum Inner Circle's Bad Boys Bad Boys Whatcha gonna do, Whatcha gonna do when they come for you!

Life is grand. So jump six months, I enroll at county college. I got a loan to pay my way through school like a lot of other students, cause my parents certainly can't afford to give me any money. They were trying to save the house from going into foreclosure (more on that later).

I going for my first semester during the spring. Yay! Fall semester is my second semester. I go to my classes and near the end of the semester with about 2 weeks left, I find out that my semester wasn't paid for?! What how can that happen? I still don't know. My loan was suppose to cover it but it never got to the school, blah blah blah. Not going into specifics because its too much to write and I know I will be writing a lot now so, saving the space.

Because I got screwed, somehow i went into default….meaning I couldn't take out any more loans to pay for school until this loan was completely paid for. So as my checks are getting garnish I am taking 2 classes a semester for like 3 years at a county college. I am going all year 'round. Fall, Winter (power pack Classes only 2 weeks long), spring, and Summer. ALL FOR THREE YEARS! After the 3 years, my loan was paid off. NOW I could finally transfer to a 4 year university. I got my Associates, now time for the bachelors. (that took another 3 years and $30,000 more in loans)

But I got my bachelors, all by myself. I paid for it. I got it. It's mine. I learned from my mistakes when it comes to an education. You really shouldn't wait. One must really get it right out of high school because you miss so much of what growing up is like at college. I never stayed on campus because I felt I was too old. I was 24 at the time I transferred. Too Old to stay in a dorm. SO I commuted 45 minutes a day each way. 70 miles a day. 280 miles a week! (I only went 4 days so don't leave a comment saying 5 times 70 is 350, dude I know)

But I was happy. Learn from your mistakes. And I did.

However, that's not all that sucks about growing up. When you grow up, you actually go through grown up problems. One of the major problems that my parents went through was a house foreclosure. We just fell so far in debt that we could'nt make the house payments anymore. When My dad lost his job, thanks to the moronic Bill Clinton and his ingenius idea of closing down military bases that caused the lost of 30,000+ jobs in the Philadelphia Navy Yard alone (my dad was 1 of those 30,000) we lost a HUGE income. my dad made about $70,000 a year. My mom only made about $17,000. She was just a deli manager. That was our "Full around money. Now that was our survival money. But since that's all we had we fell back in payments and we ended up losing our house.

We actually didn't have a place to stay. We looked and looked and couldn't find a home. We finally found a place to stay one week before we were suppose to be out of the house. We only found that house because my mom knew the landlords. So we hurried and packed our U-Haul and moved to the next town. Yes we have a house. We have a place to live. We were OK for now, because we all know life does not let you coast on by. It makes sure you are dangling from the cliff-side about to fall while there is a mudslide heading toward your from the other direction. Life isn't easy. Life pretty much sucks balls. But what is the alternative? Death? what fun is there in death? And don't say an afterlife with God or whatever, because we really aren't sure…we just hope.

ANYWAY, back on track with dad's job crisis, my dad ended up getting another job as a purchasing agent. But he went from making about $1350 a week to about $300. I mean come on. How hard does that hit a person. Especially a man. A man is SUPPOSE to be the bread winner of the family. My dad's ego must have been hit hard. He must have felt so little. I was crushed for him. I knew he was embarrassed. My dad left that job, trying to get a postal workers job. They make great money but my dad is a diabetic so he can't be on his feet too long. SO that job was a no go. But my mom new a guy who managed a convenience store and made decent money. about $40K/year. So my dad took that job. When he became manager he was bringing home about $500/week to start then it moved up to about $700/week. not bad. But my dad had to work about 80-90 hours a week because he didn't have that many employees. Now he does, BUT his feet have taken a hard hit.

With diabetics you need to care for your feet. the circulation is poor and wounds tend to not heal correctly or as quickly. My dad noticed about 1 year ago after he took off his right shoe and sock, the skin underneath his big toe came off. About the size of a quarter. Just slipped off. His doctor said to put antibiotics on it and soak the foot to cleanse it. But what my dad would do is soak the foot in the same soaking water as the night before.

DISGUSTING! I know. we didn't know this. One night when I walked into the computer room I looked at his foot and it was like 4 times the normal size. Just to give you an insight on my dad's mentality, he is country. They do home remedies and don't go to the doctors unless you have a protruding bone, have a heart attack/stroke, or on your deathbed. I'm pretty much the same way but I would so go to the doctors if I have a touch of elephantitis of the foot.

We finally convince him to go to the doctor's, and he yell's at us because he has to stay overnight…which turned into 2 weeks. My dad had a severe infection that may have gotten into the bone. The doctors were debating whether to amputate because of the severity. Once you amputate a diabetic, you will just continue to amputate simply because of the non healing of the wounds. It's just the way it is. So we are all crying and scared and doing the occasional "I told you so" to my dad. But luckily the doctors said they could save the foot. My dad was just going to be one STRONG antibiotics that had to be given intravenously everday for 6 months. Yes we had a nurse come to our house everyday and give my dad his medicine. It caused quite a stir. The neighbors thought my dad was having an affair with a woman because she came over ever lunch hour. Quite funny actually. Would have been hard to do though because my mom retired from working (more on that later)

My dad's foot has gotten better, but not completely healed. He still stands on his feet all day because he still manages the convenience store, but what can you do. You have to do what you have to do to survive. There comes a point when you realized the dreams that you wanted to pursue are just too far out of reach because of underlying circumstances of REAL LIFE has taken a hold of you. The world does not revolve around you, there a many people and events that make you who you are and make you do what you have to do because no one is going to give you anything in this world. No one will hand you your dream without some hidden agenda. The sooner you get that in your head, the sooner you can go to Plan B or C or D of your life.

I accepted this. I have made mistakes that I am still trying to fix. I have pretty much given up on my dream. I have given it up so long ago I can't even remember what it was. I'm just taking one day at a time even though the days seem like they are numbered….More on that in Part 2….when I get a chance to write it.

Preview of Part 2….

Mom's forced retirement, Brother's kidney disease, My emotional breakdown of life, love, and career.

GOD IT SUCKS!!!
TAGS: Life ; Growing Up ; Family

Internet Safe: Safe Games for Kids

Lately, the internet is getting a bad wrap because of Myspace.com, illegal DLing, sexual predators, blah blah blah. Yes,there are bad things on it, just like in RL when one is unplugged from the electronic, virtual world. However, Good things are on the internet, again just like in RL. But you need to be looking for it. Parents need to take a little time out of their busy work schedule to just look at what the kids are looking at. If they are seeing something inappropriate then take away the computer. Just look at the history of the sites they were visiting and any recent DL's (if anything was DLed) But this isn't why I decided to write this article. There are MILLIONS of articles telling you how to safe guard your kids for the big bad virtual world. So I'm not going to waste my breathe or time ridiculing the stupidity that is you and your parenting skills.

I was just surfing the net and wanted to find some games to play. Just addictive types of games. And I found the best site. YEs the games are a little simple and easy, BUT they are addicted and children safe. To me, this looks like a site that would be good for children age 6 & up. They are easily explained and nothing perverse about this site. Just good family fun.

So here you go, Enjoy and share with your kids. Let them play while you're busy on you laptop looking up She-Males, you naughty person. Here is the Link:
Addictive Family Fun

Tags: Family ; Entertainment ; Internet ;