Ever since I was like 8 or 9 I had problems with my weight. In high school It was sort of plataeued because of sports, so I was thick but healthy. I had muscles but a curvy body. I loved my legs. I was fine with the way I looked even though I was still over weight. But ever since I left high school I've been so upset and depressed with the way I looked.
I've been on so many diets its just funny. I've been on the grapefruit diet, the slim fast, the trim spa, the green tea, the vinegar diet, the no carbs, the diabetic diet, atkins, all green diet, salad diet, fish diet, fruit diet…blah blah blah. And I have lost weight. but I have gained it all back and then some. It was never healthy. I remember starving myself. Feeling jittery. Sweaty, nervous, even tried throwing up the food I just ate. But that never lasted too long because I hate the feeling of throwing up. I could never be a bulimic…I always cry after I throw up so it would be a dead give away for my parents.
Right now I'm thinking about….no, I am going on a diet. For some reason I keep having a fear that I will have a heart attack while I am asleep. Earlier this year, on my mom's birthday, a dear friend of ours passed away. He was someone we knew for about 15 years. I really got to know him about 5 years ago when I joined the bowling league my dad was in. I was bowling in my mom's place because she developed arthritis in her knees. So we all became close like family. He was my Unk (Uncle). My dad's black brother. He was always the healthy one of the original Fair Lanes Crew (old bowling alley where everyone hung out). He even retired in 2005. He spent his days going to the gym, eating right…most of hte time, going to church, and just enjoying life (especially at the bowling alley).
Well, on my mom's birthday I went to work. She called me up and let me know that she just got a phone call from our league president that George passed away. I was shocked. I started crying at work in front of everyone. I completely fell apart. We found out that he had a heart attack. And we were just all in shock on how this was even possible when he was the one that took care of himself.
This is why I have a fear of getting one. I am considered I guess morbidly obese. I hate that term. But It's what I am. I need to do something if not just for this reason alone. But this isn't the only reason why I want to lose weight. My brother and mom , and my own personal vanity are reasons.
Like I said, my mom has arthritis in her knees and her being overweight isnt helping the matter. I don't want to feel the pain and be like my mom. So I want to lose the weight and make sure I have give my joints as little pressure as possible.
My brother has a kidney disease and my dad and mom are diabetic . Mom became one because of the weight. Dad became one early in his youth, diring his last few years in the Navy. It wasn't a weight issu, he ran 5 miles a day everyday when he was younger. My brother has a kidney disease that is very rare in people of his age. Last year his Kidneys have completely stopped working. Well not completely, they are both at about 10% working each. Your body can survive on 1 kidney at 20%, but not at 10%. So he has been on dialysis for about 1 year. He is waiting for a kidney.
The doctor said that he can't take my kidney because of the diabetic history of our family. BUT, if my brother needs my kidney and he is on his deathbed (I don't want to think about it) I NEED to give him one of mine. But the doctor said he doesn't like to operate on a person over a certain weight for fear of the stress the weight could put on the body. SO having one kidney would not be good. So this is my other main reason why I want to lose weight. For my brother's life and for mine.
YEs, my vanity plays a role. Whomever says they don't care about what they look like they are lying. It's probably some skinny bitch saying that stupid comment as she is stuffing a pizza down her throat and will be throwing it up in 2 minutes.
I want to look good. I'm not saying I want the body of Jennifer Lopez, although that would be a dream come true, I want a healthy, tone, athletic body. I wouldn't even mid having Oprah Winfrey's figure. She is still womanly, but not too thin and not fat. she is normal.
But I guess my all time dream body would be that of Monica Belluci. An Italian Siren. Gorgeous, sexy, sensual, healthy. I just want to be happy. I want to be able to wear certain outfits. I want to walk without having my thighs rub together. I want the BACK FAT GONE!
So tomorrow, I will be walking. Walking for 30-40 minutes a day and eating healthier and smaller portions. I will lose it slow. I don't want to starve. I will see a gradual change so my body can get use to change in lifestyle. I will dance in my room so I can get the cardio going. I wil just feel better about myself, and help make my life healthier and longer.
For anyone that wants a some help I will be posting my daily/weekly (depending how often I update. I will try to begood and do it daily) Food in take and my exercise regime so you can see what I'm doing. Just check the page called "My Health Report Card". I would appreciate any feedback on what you are doing or something I can try.
Day one begins Tomorrow. God Help me.
TAGS: Health ; Body ; Diets
